Jerry Jerry! Jerry Jerry!

So Jerry Springer the Opera sent me to see a live taping of the Jerry Springer show for character research. How interesting. I saw about 12 pairs of boobs, one big fat ass and two incredibly choreographed fights — one of which resulted in someone’s weave scattered about the stage. It was interesting to see the bouncers “holding back” the guests while saying into their ear — “Keep talking. Keep talking. No, not yet. Okay when you go, go for her face but don’t use your nails. No, wait. Ok… Ok… Ok… NOW!” and then pushing her towards the other woman to rip her hair out. The whole thing is so planned out! And it was interesting to notice that the entire set for the show has been laid out like a boxing ring… There are no sharp edges to anything, and every surface was carpeted and at the same level.

We would start out with guest #1, who would tell us her “problem”… and then guest #2 would come out and INSTANTLY attack guest #1. No sitting in the chair and discussing problems first, just get straight to the good stuff. And they encouraged women to show their boobs during the show to get “Jerry Beads”… I went home with Jerry Beads. Don’t worry, it’s nothing sketchy — Super Hot Bouncer Tony gave me some for being in the opera. And No, Jerry Springer does not want ANYTHING to do with the Opera. Steve is coming to see it, though!

The warm up guy would tell us when to cheer, when to do the “Jerry Jerry”, when to boo, and when to encourage the fighting. The entire show is a boxing match set in more interesting colors!
Anyway… just felt like I should share my Jerry Springer experience with everyone out there. Oh, and thank you JSTO for not letting me work or pay my bills. I appreciate it.

Oh the pleasures of non-equity work. There is no limit to them.

Until next time,

Eric Martin

Written on April 21st, 2007 , General Tags: ,
Who’s got Park Place?

Playing the game. You think that Chicago is such a midwestern down home city, but you cannot forget that it’s every man for himself. You cannot NOT play the game. If your employer tells you you are ‘family’ and that the work environment is a ‘family’ atmosphere, do not forget that it is not. It is a business atmosphere. “It’s not personal, it’s business” is a phrase I learned very well years ago. People, remarkably Geminis, will lie to you. People will use you. People will make you think that they love you in order to keep you in a certain place. I know some incredibly smart people that fall victim to this ploy. It’s unusually common. You HAVE to stay one step ahead, constantly. There are 2 people (outside of my blood) that I trust in this world. I am friendly, interesting, likeable, communal, and visceral to everyone I know and care about, but my trust in anyone is cautious. Oh it’s there — I absolutely trust many people — but it is not deep trust. Deep, true trust makes you incredibly vulnerable, and like most animals on this earth are aware of, you do not show your belly to anyone unless you trust them with your life. Sermon over. Our guest blogger for tonight is… HARMONY FRANCE. Tell us a little bit, Harmony:

Oh my…let’s see where to start? I am the jewel of happiness in a cesspit of despair right now. I couldn’t be more positive and constructive at this moment. HAH! Let’s just say…I admit it. I’ve been had. I knew it was coming, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I did nothing to stop it. I don’t really know what to say. I guess I feel a little differently than Eric. I don’t want to play the game. I’m sick of games. They are exhausting. Why can’t people just be upfront about things not flattering JUST upfront…blunt works…I like blunt. NOOOOOOO instead people think that they have to go out of their way to “play” you..put you where they want you and then clobber you when you aren’t looking. Whatever I’m completely over it. I will not be a scapegoat or a sacrificial lamb. I will not play anyone’s games. I’m too old for this shit. If you want to believe any kind of bullshit about me than just go ahead. Believe what you want. I don’t have the time or energy to set you straight. Just to set the record straight: I am one of the most trustworthy people you will EVER meet in your lifetime. If I am loyal to you than I will face the lions in an arena to protect you or your honor. If you doubt that then you don’t know me at all and you can simply…um…let’s see…um…what’s the right phrase…fuck off!…there we go. There it is. Eric is making me stop now because he’s tired. I could probably write for hours….

…Alright! Tell it sister! I have to say that yes, Harmony, I am sick of “playing the game” as well, but that doesn’t matter a lick. It’s the fact that you still have to play it. Doesn’t matter if you don’t want to play it or not. If you don’t want to play, then no problemo! Don’t play, but don’t get upset when you get schnookered. Life ain’t fair, work ain’t fair, and business sure as hell ain’t fair. You don’t have to play any game you don’t want to. But if that’s how you roll, then you can’t complain when you lose. Although, if you don’t play a game, can you lose at it? Hmmm… that’s today’s thought. Anyway, this isn’t directed at Harmony, it’s directed at anyone that’s been had by the game. And if anyone knows how to play the game, it’s an actor. That’s half our business. The other half is marketing, and talent is icing on the cake. Sad, but for the most part true. Except for the exceptions. But you’ll have that.

Preach your sermon,

Eric Thomas Martin

Written on April 7th, 2007 , Bitching About Life Tags: ,
And our guest today is…

Hello. Slow night at work. Katie and I have been here ALL day and we want to leave! Harmony I can see that you’re online thanks to all this technology and I know you’ll read this. Just wanted to let you know I’m going to Autumn’s after work for a bit.You may call me if you wish. Well here I am in the office with Professor John’s Amazing Stomping Feet making the ceiling almost cave in (New Orleans Jazz – go fig) with a Ketel One dirty. Mmm. And Katie is spinning about the office in one of the chairs. SOO I am going to have her guest blog for me for a few minutes! Katie, tell us a little something:

Hi, this is Katie Flynn.  I’ve been here the live long day, cleaning dusty shelves that had been neglected for some time.  Thanks to me, they’re kissibly clean…..I know this because I kissed the shelves after I cleaned them.  Anyhoot, Eric has been along for this journey of cleaning.  Although he didn’t participate in the cleaning festivities, he was present–working on very important things.  Computer stuff…….So, now after I’ve been here since 11 AM (it is now almost 9 PM), I’ve had about 8 cokes and 3 hot chocolates.  I ate a Jimmy John’s sub that was doused in oil and vinegar as well as some fries from Harold’s Chicken.  I wore a green sweater today with jeans and sneakers.  I brushed my mullet, which I’ve never done before.  I used a brush that we found in the dirty sink and my head is already beginning to itch.  Eric is so grand and he’s actually supposed to be teching a show right now, but decided to get a martini and come down to the office and blog instead.  That’s all for now…..hope to guest blog again very soon.  I promise it will be just as exciting was, maybe more.  I love Eric and it’s been a pleasure to guest blog.

..Thank you Katie, that was very informative. We’ll have another guest blogger in the future. For now, may I say that Katie, I am the boss and I may do as I please. Now, I will discuss a short topic today and that topic is “How NOT to attract Eric Martin’s attention.”
Be advised that the following does not work:

1) MySpace messages that say “ur cute. we should hang. 24/chitown.”
2) Dancing like a fool.
3) Glaring at me.
4) Buying me drinks with ulterior motives in mind. But yes, I will take the drink. Thank you.
5) Telling bad jokes. Especially “office” humor. Get the hell away from me.
6) Trying to be interesting when you are clearly not interesting.
7) Trying to become friends with my friends in hopes that they will introduce us. Firstly, I see that one from a mile away. Secondly, they tell me.
8) Spying on me from across the way and not coming up to say hi. You are clearly staring at me. How sad your life must be.

These are the things that inevitably happen to your standard gay man and I have decided that I will put up with it no longer. Gosh, I’ve just laid things out  these past few blogs, no? I have no idea what that’s about. Anyway, an honestly real guy would be nice once in a while. See my profile for a detailed listing. I may have met one. And hey, maybe I’ll make a T-shirt from that list. Now THAT would be funny.

Adieu my friends,

Eric Martin

Written on April 5th, 2007 , Wasting Time Tags: ,
Notice to all unfortunates

I really dislike intellectual snobs. I kind of hate them. And i don’t like princesses most of the time. I don’t like people that “don’t get life.” I really don’t like people that make judgements on me without knowing me. Eternally confused people bother me. Smarmy people I want to hit. Self-righteous people annoy me. I dislike people that have no identity. I’m terrified of people that are horribly boring. I don’t like people that don’t understand what I’m saying to them. I don’t like people that try to make me feel stupid. It doesn’t work and I lose respect for you. Self-centered people annoy me a little. I despise people that make situations awkward and don’t know they’re doing it. I hate liars.

If you are one of these people:

Please do not talk to me for extended periods of time. Please do not hit on me. Please do not engage me in any activity that may last for more than 1 to 1 and-a-half minutes. Please do not tell me your problems. Please do not ask me questions that require answers longer than yes or no. Please do not attempt to “teach me” things. Please do not enlighten me. I do not have the time.

Thank you. I am hoping that this will weed out the unfortunates that ceaselessly waste my time. Don’t get me wrong – we can still be friends, but I probably just don’t like you very much.

Can I get back to work now? More matter, less art please.

Eric Martin

Written on April 2nd, 2007 , Bitching About Life Tags: ,
Spray butter never gets complicated

I’ve been extremely moody the past few days. EXTREMELY moody. And generally, being a cancer, and being that cancers are generally moody, i’m not a very moody cancer under normal circumstances. I really don’t like these mood swings. Of course they have been brought on because of the breakup, but all the same I don’t like it. I’m in a decent mood at the moment, thank GOD. And I’ve generally been dealing with this pretty well – as long as I can keep myself busy I don’t have to think about it, and usually that’s not a problem considering the schedule I keep. However, today happens to be a full day off for me. I have no idea how that happened. I don’t get days off. Ever. So, I know it is nice and grand and all that but I have to keep myself busy today to keep my mind off things, but still make myself relax enough so that I can call it a ‘day off,’ and so on and so forth, and all that has culminated into me just blogging for a few minutes. And oh, look, i’m blogging about the thing that the blogging is supposed to keep my mind off of. ..SIGH.

Well the point is anyway I just think it’s weird how things like this affect my body. I feel like my body chemistry is slightly different because of the stress. I think that’s what’s bringing on the swings. And my appetite is weird. How odd. I feel like I’m pregnant. … um, hmm… well, I don’t know how to make that sound any less weird.

UMMM, okay let’s talk about ‘the bar’ last night. Anyone? Anyone? WHY do me and my friends get SO drunk? Because we drink for free at our choice of 4 bars in Chicago. THAT’S WHY. (That’s also why it’s a good idea to have a drinking pool of about 4-5 bartenders when you go out. heh) And also because it’s absolutely hysterical to see who hooks up with who. HAH! Seriously. It’s REALLY funny. Let’s recap:

Angela, he seems like a nice mexican asian man. I will never understand the speed nor accuracy with which you can begin making out with a perfect stranger. Angela? Angie? Has anyone seen Angie? Bobby, yes I love you too. Stop crying. No. Yes I do. I love you. Really. Ok, Jim. No I didn’t mean it. I’m sure you’re a fabulous kisser. No I won’t. Hi Stu. No you go ahead – the dance floor’s over there. Where’s Angela? A cab?! With who?? Harmony, stop laughing. Andy, I need 5 miller lights and 5 jager bombs. I don’t know. Well, they want more. Don’t ask me – last time we saw her she was making out with some guy over there. Hi Stu. Yes, I love you. Stop it. No, stop it. Of course we’re friends. Oh just shut up I love you too and if you ask me again I’ll hit you. Harmony, who are you yelling at for the love of god? WHAT? I can’t hear you!! I think Bobby’s throwing up in the bathroom, or crying. Well just tell him that you love him. No, Jim please just sit down. I don’t want to. Stu go sit down. Bobby for the love of… GET OFF THE TABLE!! NO! GET DOWN!! ..ugh. Oh Harmony stop laughing. What? Who is she making out with now? Who?? No, I do not want to make out with you. How can I make this more clear to you? SHE’S GOING HOME WITH HIM? Well then I’m going home with someone too!! thank you

…Don’t worry I didn’t hook up with anyone. I just wanted a dramatic finish to my monologue. About 300,000 gays in Chicago and I can’t find a one that knocks my socks off enough to go home with. Well but that’s a lot of energy you’re talking about, and now I’m 26 and really by that point in the night all I want is a hot dog and a nap. Sex in the morning. No one’s into that line.

I see 30-40 year old gay men in the clubs that are just so spritely, I don’t get it. I’m only 26 and all I personally want to do in a bar is sit down. Sure I can dance for about 15 minutes, tops. Then I start wheezing. Yes. Well, I smoke. Plus I’m not a very good dancer. And then I’m all sweaty and my gel has run into my eyes so I’m blinking like a Genie with my arms flailing about and I’m wiping my forehead with my shirt so now THAT’S all wrinkled… I basically look like a hot mess. You would too.
… hmm … well if there are any lovely single gentlemen reading this – and I suspect there are a few – I believe I’ve just OBLITERATED any sex appeal I might have had, haven’t I? Hmm? hahah I really don’t care. I have butter substitute in a spray bottle and that never gets complicated.

Thank you,

Eric Thomas Martin

Written on April 1st, 2007 , Drunken Debauchery Tags: , ,

Eric M Chicago is proudly powered by WordPress and the Theme Adventure by Eric Schwarz
Entries (RSS) and Comments (RSS).

Eric M Chicago

Jameson.