It’s always hard to get over someone you love. It’s even harder to have to do it proactively. I’m in a strange position now where I’m in love with someone that I will (thanks to the small network of Chicago Theater) no doubt have to perform in a show with again, and will certainly have to see from time to time at public functions. And this is not something that just goes away with time. This is not something that goes away with a “12-step program.” This is just one of those things you will probably have to deal with for the rest of your life. And I am in the process now of learning how to be in the same room with this person and refrain from running up to him and giving him a great big bear hug. It is a process that involves me forcing myself to attend the same functions and public places he attends in order to build up, step by step, a resistance and a usable civility. He is someone that I miss deeply. Someone that I would give almost anything to be able to just hug him again. In all actuality, something like that that would only happen if we happened to be somewhere where his life partner were not present and alcohol was involved. Not much, mind you. Just a sip of wine would probably be sufficient. LOL  But nonetheless, he is someone that I will always care for and will always be in my thoughts, no matter what measures I try and take.

So the big question is: Where do you draw your strength in these times? When the love of your life is ten feet away and you can’t even make eye contact with him without him getting in crazy serious trouble with his partner? And how do you love him as completely as you need to, but do it from a distance? Finding a way to be happy for him just for the simple fact that he is happy, even if you are not a part of his happiness?

My answer is my friends. I draw my strength from my friends. My best friend, Harmony, and my good friend Laura who helped me out tonight in particular. Thanks ladies. Oh, that and my vodka bottle  ;)

 The hardest situations of love are those in which they don’t feel the same for you. They don’t love you as much as you love them, or they have lost their love for you, or something similar to that. You can always draw strength from knowing someone loves you just as much as you love them even if you can’t be with them, because even then you (in a weird way) are drawing strength from each other. But knowing, or thinking, that you have more love for them than they have for you is a horrible feeling. It is an isolating feeling. A feeling of being abandoned, and a feeling of being a bit “behind the pack.”  It is in these times that I turn to my friends, and it is in these times that I, and you, will learn that your friends are everything. Whether they are your family, your peers, or both, your friends are who lift you up and give you enough of the “other kind of love” to fill that emptiness you feel from “the one that didn’t love you enough.”

I just needed to get this off my chest and out of my heart before I go on vacation to de-stress from Life.

And to You-Know-Who: I still love you enough to blog about you. I hope you’re thinking about me. I miss you every day.

P.S. – I am totally drunk.     :p