So, it’s St. Patty’s Day Weekend here in the Windy City. What does that mean? That means everyone is insane and drunk for approximately 72 hours straight. I have never seen such drunken mayhem as I have this weekend (and I have seen quite a lot of drunken mayhem). Well, Friday night was a wonderful time out with my little brother Tom in which the rule was to have a Cuervo shot at every bar we go to. Needless to say, we were on the strip, so many, many bars were visited. The next morning I had brunch at Crew and noticed that everyone in the bar was either still drunk or newly drunk. Hmm. The topic of today’s post, however, is “last night.” Last night began at my favorite neighborhood bar, where my favorite bartender was wearing a green fireman’s hat, sunglasses, and so wasted that he was telling everyone if he were gay, I would be his gay boyfriend (which his girlfriend only found funny for about 5 minutes), and liberally pouring alcohol onto himself, the bar, and into glasses for people to freely consume. Mostly Jameson (yay! My favorite whiskey), the alcohol managed to find its way into my mouth. I was able to meet up with many friends I haven’t seen in a while which was just wonderful! I got to see Dana, Jeremy, Sean, Laura, Ryan, and Jenny just to name a few…

As the night progressed we became progressively more and more drunk and decided to trounce on down the street to Berlin Nightclub. If you haven’t been there just look up the word Skeezy in the dictionary and you’ll get a pretty good idea. More drinks, more fun, more friends… I (of course) go to Taco Bell where I had my favorite meal, get home, and I receive a couple new emails on my iPhone from one of my friends at Berlin (who shall remain nameless of course):

subject: nice

You all gave me the impression that I was not going hoem wasted driving by mseyefl,

but that is exacty waht happed, na dye s the neighobrs claled the dcoppeds because I was upset and yet I just ahd to dealdirectly with two cops (ladies that cogs!) who did not arrest me but which has no hurtt hte caste Ive been building agains tmy next door neibhbors.

sSo…

it’s ht oyour falut, bit if you ITCHES wer ecoming her elik eyou said YOU WOERE but eDIDN”T now I had do to deal with ehis SHIT fFUCK YOU CUFUCK YOU CFUCKYOYU

Do NOT expec t me to friget this you SELFHSO FUICCKS>

subject: i can’t remembe rhwo else

gBut I do tkonw that i trust ed to be at least helped away.;

i just had hte ops called on me fo YHELLING at m; yasians nebobohs beaucae theay re RACIST.

And… ? I could TOAWLLY hav gone to cjail i ht cops eren’t cool becua ese you BITHCES NEVR took my JIZZLEW and yo u nSIA D you would come ohom and DIDN”T and nown I DROVE HOM SCREQAMIGN AN C CRYIN and now I now tha

I an NEVER party again wiht theatre cpeople lik eyou
LIARSA NA CHEATRS AND ToTALLY more sexlifsh etha me
and oh wel hopew you’re having fun

I’m alive no thanks to syouj

I will neVERha d with oua gain. Sorry.? See yo u the cops are still here/? Neve rhin my lie Have i been so BETAYED.? zo mpe s, hpomh ypiy yp z,mitrt p,rpme/ FUCOU OYOU!

subject: hope urnot dead like mA@

someone shoudla come ed home with me cuz hyuou all tsakdyo uwer eant henm ono one die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GREQT.

———————————————–

I especially love that the first email began with a capital letter and remained coherent until the word “home” was attempted, where everything apparently fell apart. I did, however, learn many new words and phrases, some of which include:

1. “Ladies that cogs!”
   1. Cog: (n.) A police officer that yells at you.
2. “You bitches never took my Jizzlew.”
   1. Jizzlew: (n.) Keys.
3. “You are more sexlifsh than me.”
   1. Sexlifsh: (adj.) A mixture of the words Sexy, Selfish, and Fishy.
4. Yasian: (n.) A person of Asian descent.
5. Neboboh: (n.) Neighbor.
6. and my personal favorite, “Fucou Oyou.”
   1. Fucou Oyou: (v.) A slang term meaning ‘I love you.’

The moral of this post: Never drink and email. It’s highly irresponsible (although it does provide your friends with endless entertainment)!

Fucou Oyou all,

Eric

Related posts:

1. I’M DRUNK BLOGGING! HA!
2. Here Come ThE neewWLweds…
3. To Go or Not To Go, That is the $20,000 Question

Related posts:

1. Here Come ThE neewWLweds…
2. Bombs Away! Closing!
3. To Go or Not To Go, That is the $20,000 Question